I said in my last post that I would talk about trust later. Does anyone else struggle with trust like I do? It's probably one of those lessons that I need to learn the most.
I was telling my friends from work a funny story that happened to me a week or so ago. I love sharing stories of the embarrassing, funny, surprising, whatever situations that occur in my life, if it can bring a smile to someone's face or lighten someone's mood. One of my nephews loudly commented about how he'd never seen me run in his "entire life" and that I "walk WAY faster" than I run. He was laughing so hard! The dog pulled me when we were walking and I went awkwardly flying forward trying to stop him. It just happened to be in front of someone that at one point I would have liked to impress rather than look like a dork in front of! I was dying! It was so funny and embarrassing and the most perfect timing. So funny!
So, one of my friends offered to pray for the situation, which was so kind, I immediately felt like, umm, no thanks! I don't need that. I said, "I don't fast and pray about things like that." Right after I typed that out in our chat feed, I felt this sinking in my stomach. What was I saying? Why would I say something like that? I couldn't believe I said that "out loud".
It made me think of a book I once read called, "Even This" by Emily Belle Freeman. She talked about how she had struggled from time to time with turning things over to the Lord. She realized it was because she couldn't control the outcome. I have a quote from it and from her Time Out for Women presentation that says, "What if God has something entirely different in mind for me than what I could ever anticipate? Something better," as my wallpaper on my phone. Her thought resonated with me when I heard it.
I've thought that my level of faith and trust had improved a lot and then I said, "I don't pray for that stuff," like I need to keep that area of my life stored away where only I can feel it, see it, and worry about it. Why would I ever compartmentalize what I'll turn to the Lord with and what I won't turn to Him for?
I was telling my friends from work a funny story that happened to me a week or so ago. I love sharing stories of the embarrassing, funny, surprising, whatever situations that occur in my life, if it can bring a smile to someone's face or lighten someone's mood. One of my nephews loudly commented about how he'd never seen me run in his "entire life" and that I "walk WAY faster" than I run. He was laughing so hard! The dog pulled me when we were walking and I went awkwardly flying forward trying to stop him. It just happened to be in front of someone that at one point I would have liked to impress rather than look like a dork in front of! I was dying! It was so funny and embarrassing and the most perfect timing. So funny!
So, one of my friends offered to pray for the situation, which was so kind, I immediately felt like, umm, no thanks! I don't need that. I said, "I don't fast and pray about things like that." Right after I typed that out in our chat feed, I felt this sinking in my stomach. What was I saying? Why would I say something like that? I couldn't believe I said that "out loud".
It made me think of a book I once read called, "Even This" by Emily Belle Freeman. She talked about how she had struggled from time to time with turning things over to the Lord. She realized it was because she couldn't control the outcome. I have a quote from it and from her Time Out for Women presentation that says, "What if God has something entirely different in mind for me than what I could ever anticipate? Something better," as my wallpaper on my phone. Her thought resonated with me when I heard it.
I've thought that my level of faith and trust had improved a lot and then I said, "I don't pray for that stuff," like I need to keep that area of my life stored away where only I can feel it, see it, and worry about it. Why would I ever compartmentalize what I'll turn to the Lord with and what I won't turn to Him for?
The other day Al Fox Carraway posted on Facebook:
"I was ENGAGED to a boy that I didn’t end up marrying. Date set & all. But then he told me that he could find someone better.
soooo, that was
cool.
IT SHATTERED ME, but *NOT* b/c I wasn’t with this guy, (‘cuz, PHEW that
was a close one, right tho?!)
BUT b/c I had never been more *spiritually confused in my entire life.
I started second guessing EVERYTHING.
I thought I was following the Spirit, so how could it not work out?!
It stunk b/c I all of a sudden doubted my entire relationship w/ the Holy Ghost—
have I been doing it wrong the whole time?!
I was mad, thinking that my faith & my God & my own self, were failing me.
It took me a long while to realize something important-"
"I was ENGAGED to a boy that I didn’t end up marrying. Date set & all. But then he told me that he could find someone better.
soooo, that was
cool.IT SHATTERED ME, but *NOT* b/c I wasn’t with this guy, (‘cuz, PHEW that
was a close one, right tho?!)
BUT b/c I had never been more *spiritually confused in my entire life.
I started second guessing EVERYTHING.
I thought I was following the Spirit, so how could it not work out?!
It stunk b/c I all of a sudden doubted my entire relationship w/ the Holy Ghost—
have I been doing it wrong the whole time?!
I was mad, thinking that my faith & my God & my own self, were failing me.
It took me a long while to realize something important-"
I too have had a moment like this -not the exact same situation- very similar, though. I've gone through that second guessing everything. As I look back at the hardest breakup I've been through, it was hard and horrible. I struggled for a long time. However, it wasn't the breakup that was what I struggled with, although I wondered how it all could have happened and why anyone would treat me like that. The hardest thing was feeling completely separated from my Heavenly Father.
Until that point, I had never had a time in my life where I felt distant, forgotten and completely alone. I knew the many things that I was supposed to do in order to feel the spirit and I did them. I just couldn't feel a thing. I questioned everything, because if I had thought that I'd be following the guidance of the spirit and it led me to this point, then where else had I mistakenly supposed I'd been led?
It was a bizarre time in my life! It wasn't until a couple years later while teaching institute at Weber State-Davis campus, teaching a lesson in the "Jesus Christ and the Everlasting Gospel" course. We were talking about the atonement of Jesus Christ and while we were talking about that, I had a moment of clarity. It was amazing and eye opening and I felt the spirit so strongly confirming things that I had felt once I finally begun the healing process.
Al Carraway said that she found that the engagement was supposed to happen, the marriage was not. I learned that I had to go through that hardship, not feeling the spirit to actually deepen my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I had to work really hard to feel that connection. I learned that I can turn to Them for every part of my life! I don't need to guard and protect aspects of my life, I can turn it over to Them.
Elder Neil L. Andersen said, "In a seemingly ordinary moment, [like mine teaching that institute class], I had felt the power of heaven. And I knew that God knew that I knew that a window of heaven had been opened" (Andersen, Neil L. "Spiritually Defining Memories", General Conference, Apr. 2020).
I know that prayers are answered and that God has a plan. It may not come in the time and way that I hope and expect, but He knows what is best.
"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." -Mosiah 7:33
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